How To F*ck Up A Smoothie Or Juice

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health is all the rage at the moment … it seems more and more that people are posting photos on facebook/twitter/instagram about their health pursuits.. i am guilty (but conscious) of this .. but the more i’ve been looking at other peoples health boasts the more annoyed im getting  .. i didn’t realise people had the ability to royally F*ck up simple things like smoothies and juices.. CALM DOWN SHHHH .. and then people wonder why they feel no better, they get ill , or they still look like sh*t (not you reading, i’m sure you are beautiful, with ya glossy hair and your glowing skin)

here we go . these are the top SIX ways you have fudged your daily healthy Smoothie/Juice


Adding Dairy To Your Smoothie

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this is really old school , that yogurt and milk go in a smoothie , but this is food combining 101 .. dairy does not goeth in the smoothie people .. its acidic and hard to digest , and if you are having dairy in your life (brave claps for being brave) aim for un-pasturised RAW organic dairy , as it contains the digestive enzymes (which are destroyed in pasteurisation) to allow the dairy to assimilate into your body . when you mix dairy with fruit (put the fruit yogurt down) you’re making your body work too hard , fruit digest within minutes.. dairy hours .. you’re going to get gassy .. i put it out there .. youre going to get GASSY


Not Chewing It

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this sounds ridiculous .. I thought we eat smoothies and juices so we don’t have to chew.. oops? , actually the whole point of chewing is to begins digestion. Along with breaking down food , it mixes with saliva and the enzymes within to start breaking down the nutrients , so swishing your smoothie and juice around your mouth is going to allow for it to get into your body better and quicker … it will also allow for you to really take your time with it, limiting that high burst of energy . Anyway If you don’t believe me , heres someone else who has written about it


Having The Same Greens Every Time

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only like spinach ? so you’re putting spinach in your morning juice/smoothie.. everyday … and you feel shit.. and you maybe have some skin problems ?!?! BOOHOO .. no but…  rotating your greens IS SO IMPORTANT !!! i see this one a lot,people assume because they’re having greens its all good .. but the saying too much of a good thing .. yeh its applicable here SO LISTEN : green leafy plants carry small amounts of protective inhibitors and toxin type properties in order to be protected . now if we have kale everyday all the time , its specific inhibitors build up in us .. and start to cause problems.. notably with the thyroid (your metabolism) so its important to change it out , plus you’re opening yourself up to different vitamins and minerals which is always good .. heres an article about the hows and whys of the green rotation


Going Superfood Mental


this one gets me so crazy , super foods like Cacao , Maca, Acai and Ginseng are all amazing , but they need to be treated with respect .. theyre nutrient powerhouses and should be used moderately .. Cacao for example is an Energy food .. but too much , similarly to coffee ,stimulates the adrenal glands.. doing this often , you’re going to get adrenal fatigued .. and you can say goodbye to getting out of bed

Maca is a hormonal balancer , so especially girls need to limit it .. so many girls have come to me have Maca in everything and wondering why they CRAY.. its your hormones (youre welcome).. so look at the back of the label .. and follow the recommended serving size.. no matter how delicious it is .. calm yo’self down

google your Superfoods and read up on them .




this is my favourite , when people put like 12 different fruits in a smoothie and then a tiny stem of broccoli .. and they’re all like HASHTAG CLEAN EATING  HASHTAG CLEANSE .. blah blah blah .. fruit is sugar .. sugar is bad .. especially in juices .. you’re removing the fiber which makes the sugar slow absorbing .. so you might as well just spoon some HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP in some water and drink that with a multivitamin , because thats about as good for you . Other than Berries and Citrus Fruit .. ONE PEICE IS MORE THAN PLENTY in your drink , look to stevia if you like it  sweeter … trust me , i just saved your pancreas .


Not Diluting it


this is a simple one.. water .. WATER is needed in both smoothies and juice in order to dilute it .. not too much though as you will dilute the enzymes , but enough to loosen it up , otherwise like NEAT vodka.. its strong , and its taxing on your body , also its lubricating all the vitamins and minerals and they’ll swish through you  like some harry potter magic .


4 thoughts on “How To F*ck Up A Smoothie Or Juice

  1. Great article! Thanks for the laugh and good info! I didn’t know that about the greens, I’m attempting to eat more greens lately, so this info is just in time to help me vary them.
    Also, the dairy section of your article reminds me of a coworker I once had… she was telling me that to get healthier she has started having fruit smoothies for breakfast. I love fruit smoothies, so I asked what she puts in hers. Very excited she said “Well! I start with a few frozen berries, and some frozen peach slices, then I add two scoops of ice cream, and then fill the pitcher with milk. It’s so creamy and yummy!” I was speechless, that is not my definition of a fruit smoothie 😀

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